Why moving abroad feels different in midlife
In your twenties, moving is often light, exciting, and full of adventure. New city? No problem. Odd jobs while you figure it out? Fine. Friendships form quickly, and identity feels flexible.
By midlife, it’s different. Careers are built, social networks established, and reputations earned. Moving interrupts all of that. Professional recognition may not transfer. Everyday tasks, like opening a bank account or dealing with paperwork, can feel frustrating. Social cues are missed or misread. Support systems are gone.
The old anchors of identity -such as job titles, social circles, cultural belonging- loosen. But that’s also the opportunity. Identity isn’t fixed. You can rebuild it, often stronger and more aligned with your values than before.
A friend who moved to Leuven put it like this: after twenty years leading teams, she suddenly became the “newcomer” again. She worried her skills no longer mattered. Slowly, she found ways to apply them differently: mentoring, volunteering in community projects, running workshops in English. What first felt like loss became possibility.
When identity unravels
Identity is a web of roles and routines. In your home country, you know who you are in each space: the reliable expert at work, the parent or partner at home, the organizer or joker among friends.
Move to a new country, and the reference points shift. Jokes fall flat. Skills aren’t recognized. Familiar cafés and shops vanish. Even grocery shopping can feel like a test when labels are foreign.
Most internationals go through the “U-curve of social adjustment.” First comes excitement: everything feels new, fresh, full of promise. Then reality bites. Things that seemed charming about the new culture become tiring or strange. Language barriers pop up, small irritations grow, and friends are missed more than expected. But over time, you adjust. Routines form, understanding grows, and life begins to feel normal again.
For midlifers, the dip in the U-curve can feel deeper. By now, you’re used to competence and mastery. Struggling with basics like finding a dentist or figuring out public transport can feel humiliating. Your sense of self blurs, bringing restlessness and sometimes loneliness. Doubts creep in: Am I still relevant? Do my skills matter here? Without recognition, who am I now?
Recognizing this cycle matters. Frustration isn’t failure, and part of identity reshaping itself.
Opportunities for midlife internationals
What feels destabilizing can also spark growth. Moving abroad strips away old routines and roles, creating a rare chance for midlife internationals to ask: Which parts of my old life do I want to keep? Which habits no longer serve me? How do I want to contribute now?
Here are five ways to explore that:
1. Rebuild your identity
This isn’t as dramatic as it might sound. Start small by reconnecting with your core values: principles that are important to you no matter where you live, like integrity, curiosity, connection, or freedom.
These values act as anchors when everything else is shifting. If creativity matters to you, you can nurture it anywhere through writing, painting, or by applying creativity to work challenges. If connection matters, prioritize building relationships with colleagues, neighbors, or fellow international. The International House Leuven hosts plenty of events to connect with others.
Then notice strengths that travel. Leadership, empathy, organization, and the knack for solving problems - geography doesn’t erase them. Ask friends what qualities they see in you, and compare notes.
2. Redefine purpose
Purpose doesn’t have to mean changing the world. It can mean making a difference in your family, community, or daily life.
Moving abroad can strip away old sources of purpose, such as a career that defined you, family roles, or community influence. But it also opens new doors.
Some build purpose through volunteering, others through hobbies that grow into something more, and others by using experience in new ways. In Leuven, that might mean book clubs, parents’ groups, cultural events, volunteering, or international networks (you can find all of these at the International House Leuven.) Curiosity and experimentation are key. Not every attempt sticks, and that’s OK. But each step clarifies what matters most in your new situation.
3. Belong without borders
Belonging is one of the hardest things to lose. At home, it comes naturally. You share language, references, and unspoken rules. Abroad, you have to build it.
Many try to recreate belonging only with people from their own nationality. That’s comforting at first but limiting. Belonging is deeper when it’s built on shared interests, not passports. Join a cycling group, a crafts workshop, or local cultural events. Connect with others who share passions in music, literature, or sports.
Belonging grows through repetition: greeting neighbors (in Dutch!), cooking a regional recipe, tuning into the radio in your new language. Over time, these tiny moments build connection and familiarity.
4. Avoid common traps
Certain patterns repeat among midlife internationals. Clinging to the expat bubble feels safe but limits growth. Downplaying your own skills because local expertise seems “better” undervalues your experience. Over-investing in old roles blinds you to new ones. Ignoring emotions leaves feelings of loss or disconnection unaddressed. Spotting these early helps prevent frustration.
And noticing these traps is the first step in avoiding them.
5. Allow the in-between
Midlife internationals often feel pressure to “settle in fast.” But integration takes time. Give yourself permission to move step by step.
Check in with yourself regularly. Each week, ask: What gave me energy? What drained me? What did I learn about myself? Every few months, ask: What’s working? What feels off? What needs adjusting? Reflection keeps you connected to your evolving identity.
When the bigger questions surface
Midlife abroad is both challenge and opportunity. Roles shift, identities wobble, and familiar systems vanish, leaving you unsure of who you are. But the chance to rebuild is just as real: to redesign a sense of self that is aligned with your values, connected to renewed purpose, and open to belonging that crosses borders.
About the author
My name is Tamara Cortoos, a native Belgian, married with two children. In 1999, I left Belgium to live and work in Barcelona, London, and Sydney, before bringing my family back in 2018. Those years abroad gave me first-hand insight into the challenges of being far from home as well as the extraordinary growth that can come when life, midlife, and international experiences intersect.
As a midlife coach, I help internationals (40- and 50-somethings) explore identity, purpose, big life changes, and legacy. Having lived around the world for two decades, I know the extra challenge of being far from home. And the extraordinary growth possible when midlife and international life meet.
What I love most about Leuven is its energy: the buzz of people on Bondgenotenlaan on a sunny Saturday, the joy of live music and events, and the lively restaurants and bars that make the city feel vibrant. If this article resonates, you can find me at www.midlifecoach.be and www.midlifecrossroadsacademy.com.
Get in touch with Tamara
Website: midlifecoach.be