Holding Two Worlds: Living Abroad While Parents Grow Older

Common Emotions Internationals Experience as Their Parents Age

Living abroad often brings conflicting emotions that coexist rather than canceling each other out. Many internationals describe feeling:

• Excited and fulfilled by their life abroad, while deeply missing their family

• Curious and open to new cultures, yet guilty for not being closer to home

• Free and independent, while also feeling a strong sense of obligation

Guilt was the most frequently mentioned emotion during the workshop. It can stem from:

• Being far away and unable to help with daily care

• Spending limited time with parents

• Siblings who live closer carrying more responsibility

• Choosing holidays that are not visits home

• Wanting to give back to parents, but feeling unable to do so fully

Fear was also common, Fear of having to move back suddenly, fear that a visit might be the last, or fear of not fulfilling one’s perceived role.

Anger, too, surfaced. Anger at unfair expectations, at parents not taking care of themselves, or at the helplessness distance can create.

All of these emotions are valid, even when they contradict one another. Understanding they can exist together is an important step to accepting them.

Grief Before Loss (Anticipatory Grief)

Often, there is an unspoken topic when discussing aging, but it’s something that feels like an elephant in the room: the eventual passing of a parent.

With this comes grief, but a very specific kind known as Anticipatory Grief: the sadness we feel before something happens.

Anticipatory Grief can look like grieving changes before a parent is gone or mourning lost versions of relationships.

Many people feel this, but don’t have the language for it. Knowing what it is and acknowledging it is an important part of processing the emotion.

The Roles We Play in Our Families

Within families, people often fall into familiar roles: the caretaker, the mediator, the responsible one, the independent child, the one who ‘made it’, or even the parentified child. These roles can feel fixed, especially when distance adds expectations or assumptions about what we should be doing.

If the role you are in is feeling too heavy, taking a step back can be a powerful exercise. Ask yourself:

• Was this role something I chose, or something that was expected of me?

• Is it shaped by cultural or societal norms?

• Does this role still fit who I am today?

Imagining what a more sustainable role could look like, and communicating boundaries where possible, can help reduce guilt and pressure. Living abroad does not mean abandoning responsibility, but it may require redefining it in a way that protects your own well-being.

Cultural Differences Around Aging

It’s important to note that some cultures expect children to provide hands-on care while others rely more on institutional or community care. Where a person comes from can shape their expectations of caring for the aging population. When you move abroad and adapt to a new culture, there can be a feeling of being caught between cultures.

Sibling Dynamics

When moving abroad, you’re not just leaving your parents; some people also leave behind siblings. Sometimes, the siblings live close to their parents, meaning a lot of physical care may fall to them. This can sometimes build a rift between siblings. This tension is often an unspoken stressor for many internationals.

Others may have siblings near their parents, but feel they cannot rely on them to care for them. This can also lead to resentment and guilt between siblings.

Some people are the only children in their families, leading to a lot of pressure on one individual to provide adequate care for their aging parents.

Starting the Conversation Early

Talking about aging is not easy. Some parents avoid the topic entirely, while others may respond with discomfort, fear, or even anger. Yet avoiding these conversations often creates more stress later on.

Starting early allows parents to express their wishes and gives everyone more time to adjust emotionally. Topics that may be important to discuss include:

• Care preferences: How would they like to be supported as they age? Is living with family an expectation, or are professional care options acceptable?

• Financial planning: Do they feel financially secure? Will they need support, and if so, what kind?

• End-of-life wishes: What matters most to them regarding medical decisions, inheritance, or funeral arrangements?

Approaching these conversations with empathy can make a significant difference. For example:

“I imagine it can be difficult to experience so many changes as you get older. Is there something I can help with?”

“It’s important to me that your wishes are respected in the future. I’d like to talk about them now, so we can do that properly.”

Finding Sustainable Ways to Care

Supporting aging parents from abroad does not look the same for everyone. What matters most is sustainability for them and for you.

Some reflective questions include:

• What kind of care am I realistically able to give?

• What does care look like in my situation?

It can also be helpful to ask:

• What expectations can I let go of?

• Which role feels healthiest for me at this stage of my life?

  Letting go of guilt does not mean letting go of care; it means redefining it in a way that allows you to remain present, compassionate, and emotionally well.

Practical Distance-Based Care Planning

• Regular check-ins - message or call to stay connected and up to date on your parents' lives

• Use modern technology - Technology allows us to care from far away. Consider sending groceries or arranging services.

• Initiating important conversations early - This is a form of care, showing that you are willing to listen and plan with your family.

• Emergency planning – What will be done in the case of an emergency? Who will inform who? Are there people in the area the parents can call on for help? Deciding these things early can help provide stability.

• Share information – In the case of something happening, be sure everyone is on the same page about where documents and important information is stored.

• Knowing local resources in parents’ home country – Knowing where you’ll need to contact first in the case of an emergency is a helpful thing to have in the plan.

Continue the Conversation

If this topic resonates with you, International House Leuven regularly hosts Mental Health Meetups that explore themes relevant to international life.

Looking for connections beyond workshops? Our social events offer opportunities to meet others who understand the complexities of living abroad while caring deeply about family back home.

You are not alone in holding two worlds at once.